crying
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Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Did…did a minotaur write this
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
just pretend nothing happened
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.