crying
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Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
This cat wants you to take your pills
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
“Sheer Arrogance”
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.