CRYING
You Might Also Like
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
back to work
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.