CRYING
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betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
saving face 👀
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?