CRYING
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Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I think about this a lot
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
A leaf blower, but for people.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.