Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.