Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
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SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
You better watch out
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
If you’re testing me, we failed.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The struggle is real.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.