Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
You Might Also Like
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
How to walk around a museum
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)