crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
You Might Also Like
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Become a minion. Get that bread.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.