Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”

if the bag is matte the chips are healthy

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

I think this should do it.

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.

{First Date}

Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.

Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.

Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.