crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
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If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
absolute chaos
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?