crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
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Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.