Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Voodoo map

2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.

3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.

Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.

[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.

PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.

That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.

lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.