Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
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I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?