Crying is a sign of leakness.
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Schrödinger’s cookie
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
repaired
No matter what’s going on in your life, there’s some form of potato that can make it better.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
I don’t think I could be Spider-Man because I hate it when my fingers are all sticky.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
i wish we could shoplift online
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon