Crying is a sign of leakness.
You Might Also Like
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
what’s your favorite christmas song about punching a cough drop? mine’s deck the halls
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
me in a relationship:
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.