Crying is a sign of leakness.
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After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Stop sending me this shit.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*