Crying is a sign of leakness.
You Might Also Like
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
i did the math
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there