Crying is a sign of leakness.
You Might Also Like
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
🤣🤣🤣
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.