Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.

In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Librarian: Can I help you?

Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-

Librarian: Being psychic?

Me: No…

Librarian: One day that will work.

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

My vegetarian sister discovered we were all in a separate group chat without her, sharing delicious food photos, called Secret Meat Up

5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!

Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.

“Describe yourself in three words”

“Lazy”

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

(kids playing upstairs)

*loud crash*

Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.

Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir