Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
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My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
As per my last nervous breakdown
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.