Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984

Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

For the fourth year in a row my 9yo asked for a go-cart for Christmas. They’re only $1500, he says.

Don’t worry, everyone, he said we don’t have to get him anything else. Just the go-cart will be fine.

Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.

A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.

bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation

me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

Beards are a privilege, not a right

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.

If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.

There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes

COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”