Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
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who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars