Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
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ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
LMAO
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it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation