Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
You Might Also Like
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.