Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Looking at you, Jesus.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.