Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
When I was 7, I fell out the bed twice. It was a twin & my mom was like, “if you keep falling out the bed we’re gonna have to get you a bigger bed.” For two weeks straight, I woke up extra early before school & would lay out on the floor. My dad then got me a queen sized bed.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training