Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
i smell a pulitzer
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”