Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”

Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”

No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry

New menu item

Well damn. Winter weather during the winter. What the hell is that all about?

Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything

Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.

Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day

I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break

Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.