Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters

me: yeah, I’m aware…

Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?

The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

*Job interview

Him: Any special achievements?

Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed

H: Alright, you’re hired

M: Really?

H: No.

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

Room with a view.

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

me: more teeth

dentist: what

me: *recording video* no skimping now

I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me