Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

👀

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”

Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”

Microsoft word: “eat shit!”

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.

[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”

best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

incredible book dedication

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?

~ all countries

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond