Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

men, we mow at sunrise.

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up

ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?

DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

The best plant holders?

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.