Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

(at the tavern, 16th century) bro you cannot horse and buggy home. you’ve had too much ale. bro give me your reins right now

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*

Mom, look at my diarrhea.

— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair

*At the ouija board*

Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…

Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

All parents have a favourite child

Good parents pretend they don’t

Great parents at least make it one of their own

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”

Me: Only 12 months to go

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*

Mondays, amirite?

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.

Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am

I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”