Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
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Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Like many people of my generation I was brought up to live my life believing in the virtue of delayed gratification.
I’m now in my 60s and it’s too soon to say whether it was worth it.