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[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
*orders delivery*
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Would you wear it?
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.