Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.

Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.

Yes 😂

What kind of rifle do comedians use?

JK47’s.

Shoot me.

the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.

[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…