Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Little Red: I’m going to grandmas

Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy

Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?

Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

911: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.

911: what’s your location?

Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.

911: can you spell that for me?

Man: (pause)

911: Sir?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.

Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

I don’t hate children, just yours.

Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?

*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*