CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
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The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Terribly Tuesday.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks