Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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what’s really going on
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!
[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Uh oh 👀
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged