Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just catholicism

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]

Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast

Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.

My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination