Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Children of the Corn Man
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
You got this…
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.