Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
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I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Every damn time
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
You know I’m something of a chef myself
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw