Cucumbers Anonymous
You Might Also Like
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
This will never not be funny 😭
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
*watches the world burn*
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
shakira sharkira
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”