Cucumbers Anonymous
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Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
I am a gravy boat captain
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”