Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.