Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Alaska’s Passive Aggressive Map of the USA
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Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!