Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

💀🤣

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”

Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?

Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?

She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette

PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”

ME: “31.”

P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”

M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”

I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.

Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

How are you?

“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person

“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off

I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k

*puts on workout clothes*

*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.