Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

What happened to the other hiker??!

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.

This is my emotional support online shopping cart

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

dr frankenstein: it’s alive!

igor: great! what should we name him

dr frankenstein: uh we won’t

igor: idk might lead to some confusion

dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?

M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

[At Pharmacy]

Pharmacist: This medi…

Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.

Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.