Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it

Space.

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.

Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*

*gravy

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She

Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.

Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒

While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.

Sign of the day..

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.

Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators