culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
You Might Also Like
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Imma just leave this here…………
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral