culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
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If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
They did not miss in the small print
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*