culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream