culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
You Might Also Like
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
This rocks
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them