Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.

Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams