Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do

Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.

Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.

I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST

Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.

Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better

#BrexitIn5Words

He’s just not into EU

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

Muppet Screams