Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.

shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE

sheepdog: god i hate this guy

sheep: BAH BAH BAH

sheepdog: ok i hate all of you

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.

Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.