Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
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Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Love it! 👍😂
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout