Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia

Me: what’s that???

Doctor: exactly what it sounds like

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬

Me: When you hear hoof beats, think horses not zebr —[trampled by herd of bison]

Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.

Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.

My dog ate my work from home.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire

[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.

I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM

*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*

My daughter’s school was closed for fog.

Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

Sell your car

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me