Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.

I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.

Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.

The forest creatures begin stampeding.

You turn to me, clearly scared.

“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.

You smile nervously. “Thank go—”

“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”

[to the tune of little drummer boy]

baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.