Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
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When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Simple
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
going to bed
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.