Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.

Oh no

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.

6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

Dear Santa,

My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.