Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
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I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
inside everyone there are 2 wolves, one trying to ruin a pig’s house and one pretending to be your grandma.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.