Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

did it work

People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.

*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*

Me: I’ll never do that again
Me 5 minutes later: Agains

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.

– Bear suicide note.

It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze

My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!