Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods
*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*
Me: why’s everyone looking at me?
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I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I am never leaving this website