Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Stages of helping your kids with a project:

1. Ok first off, when is it due?

2. Wait, WHAT??

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.

Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?

Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing

Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone