Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
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Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
certified hallow’s eve classic
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
every four years, people report on fencing, and every four years, they say the weapons are sharp. they’re not sharp dude. everyone would die. first place would get a gold medal and second through last place would get buried
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.