Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
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life finds a way
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I’m not proud
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SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles