Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?

If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.

they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be

you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.

host: name a famous tattoo artist

me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!

me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please

villain:

villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice

me: oh shit

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves