Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”