Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver