Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
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Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.