Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

*trying to ask a girl on a date*

Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?

Her: was- was that a mop?

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

[battle]

ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit

SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word

M: It means give up

S: Oh cool. Lets do that

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Swedish for common sense.

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”

Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.

Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken

Pleading insanity in small claims court

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Me: I want to buy a keyboard

Yamaha: yep

Me: … and a guitar

Yamaha: yeah we got you bro

Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?

Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?

After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.

As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.