Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Voting is the worst group project
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*