Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

*Rides unicorn to work*

*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*

*Chats with mermaids*

*Argues with Medusa*

*Gets called in to HR*

*Fails drug test*

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,

Take me with you.

Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out

Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

Someone: your tweet is unnecessary

Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time

I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg

Siri, fight Alexa.

Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?

Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

Reporter: *ports again*

imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.