Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
![]()
You Might Also Like
No, YOUR illiterate.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
![]()
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.