[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
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Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.